Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

every. time.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*