Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

welp

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Two types of dogs.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee