Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
👍
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
This is amazing.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????