Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills