Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.

So that makes sense

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me