Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
so much to do
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: how are you
Friday: good