Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.