Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Hey I worked for it too!

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.