Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Get in loser we’re going crying

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Best spoiler warning ever

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”