Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
another case of gang violins
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday