Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: