Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

A man of commitment.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

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