Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I feel it
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.