Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
wish me luck lads
