I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly