@uccjeb: Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
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@Smug_Lemur: God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@josh___grant: I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named "Spider."
@bonehugsnirony: me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi friend: hey! how are you? me: [3 months later] i’m ok