@Smug_Lemur: God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@josh___grant: I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named "Spider."

@bonehugsnirony: me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi friend: hey! how are you? me: [3 months later] i’m ok

@iamspacegirl: [mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*