@uccjeb
@AnOrangeSNES Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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@AnOrangeSNES 
@lilgapeach30 If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.
@pan_duh a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
@Scorpio1080 I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
@david8hughes [at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
@LnL245 “Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
@marinhubka You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
@jtrulez Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
@squirrel74wkgn [news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
@mommy_cusses So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.