Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.

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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.


If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.


a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake


I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.


[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly


“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*


You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*


Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.


[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.