Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
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If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.