@uccjeb

Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.

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@RunOldMan

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

@954LeenO

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

@joe_binkley

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

@Beatonm5

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

@Freudianscript

When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly