Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Traveler’s camo
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.