Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*