Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
😤😤
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…