Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse