Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
ouch
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.