Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

courtroom exchange of the day

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.