Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”