Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Jurassic park gets weird
