Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
You Might Also Like
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.