Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Thank you 🥹

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.