Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

who did the taste test?

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.