Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Alan is OK

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

This is a sub tweet

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls