Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”