Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Lol
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.