just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
yeet
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Thursday
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that