Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

I found your tweet-up…

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

W

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy