Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.