Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

PLEASE READ

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.