Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.