healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
So inspired right now.