@tigersgoroooar

Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.

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@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@diaruba74

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@MrT1M

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@gracearnprie

my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.