Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I needed a laugh this morning.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT