Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My Guy
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
when you are just born a rebel
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Lmao the reply
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach