just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.