Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.