Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
You Might Also Like
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
pain
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My wedding will be open casket.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
🤣😂🤣😂
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”