Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store