Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.