Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”