There’s never enough good news
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh