Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”