Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
the worm is coming from inside the brain
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Finally!
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen