Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
me irl
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
😭😭😭
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.