Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My dating profile:
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
