me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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“It’s only arson if you get caught”
~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.