Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?


Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle


LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel


My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.


Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra


my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life


Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.


Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…


Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.


When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping