@DeepDarkFear

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

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@Princekipzin

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

@sad_saurus

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

@ClichedOut

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@osoplain

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@secondofhername

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

@sweb74

Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…

@ADDiane

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

@jake_lach

When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping