Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You Might Also Like
Great acting.. 😂
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me My dog
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.