Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
At least try to make it slightly believable
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
