I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
This is why I hate group projects
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away