Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔