Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Tuesday

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.