Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Got ya covered
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.