Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You Might Also Like
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
🐕🍷
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID