Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
🤭😂
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.