Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
finally
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut