Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.