Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

They’re the worst 😩

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?