Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You Might Also Like
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Happy thanksgiving
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)