Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.