Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
A drum solo but on your face.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.