Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.


“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”


The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?


[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.


[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man


Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident