Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You Might Also Like
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
the simulation is moving too fast
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]