@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

You Might Also Like

@Mormonger

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

@CatalystNB

“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”

@Stuccoman1

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

@Browtweaten

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@Reverend_Scott

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

@internetluke

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

@darksidesith75

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

@lincnotfound

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@rajandelman

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident