@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

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@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.

@Spotzwoj

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

@jessokfine

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

@AimeeHelene1

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@PaperWash

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.

@Bagyants

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

@crunchenhanced

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!