People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.
…not with her, obviously, but still.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
George Washington: c’mon man
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident