Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
The symmetry is uncanny.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
guilty
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?