Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service