Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss