Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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Thank heavens for community notes
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
😂 amazing answer
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.