Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

need him

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

💀💀

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie