Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Sell your car
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.