Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Order here:
More here:
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Bed should get ready for ME
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order