Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..