just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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#merica
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When your man makes a valid point
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.