Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

im 7 sauces long

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.