just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …