just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
You Might Also Like
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.