just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
me and the Superbowl rn
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?